Failure

Failure is not something I am used to. When I was in the 7th grade we were tested on various exercises one of which was the "Flex arm hang". From a bar on the playground. the object was to pull yourself up with your arms till you were doing a chin up and hold it. I set a record that day. I held on till my whole body was convulsing with the shakes. Later that week I set a record in the 600 yard walk/run when I hadn't had any running experience at all. I passed out at the end but I beat the record. Losing just doesn't come easy to me. My biggest goal in life was to be married and have children. I refused to entertain the thought that I would ever fall out of love. So I embarked upon marriage with a will to do well. I started reading marriage self help books from the beginning and I would put each one into practice. Not perfectly as no one can be perfect, but as best I could. I figure the effort had to pay off right? It did in the sense that my hubby and I were best friends. We did everything together for 28 years of marriage and before that 4 years of dating. For the last 9 years we worked together and spend almost every waking moment together. We never got tired of each other as we were besties. A few things challenged our love such as video games and flirty women, but for the most part I considered us happy. No one could make me laugh like he could and I thought he had the best singing voice I had ever heard. I leaned on him a lot at work because he has a photographic memory. Why memorize anything yourself when you have a bestie who can tell you everything you need to know? I wish I would have memorized more because he lost his job and now I have to remember everything. Long story short, due to circumstances beyond my control I was counseled to get the kids out of the house. We went to live in our Travel Trailer. I knew hubby and my love was strong and thought this will be the wake up call. I figured we would be home in a couple weeks. Instead things became worse. I ordered the Marriage Fitness Program guaranteed to save marriages. It was labor intensive but so good. However there are some choices in life that you cant talk, or wish a person out of. I waited 6 months then finally moved my stuff out and into a home for me and the kids. Its been almost a year now and Divorce papers have arrived. I have failed at the one thing that I tried so hard not to. It feels like when I finally couldn't hang on to that bar any longer. Only difference is I am not setting a record this time.