Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard. Especially when you have fibro. Apparently I am divorced now. I got a letter stating the judgement was entered on 8-13-15. I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up and it means the divorce was entered. Im not sharing this with anyone because Im not interested in dating. And since no one reads my blog, Im pretty safe in posting this. To me a good wife is one that cooks and cleans and spends quality time with their spouse. I can do quality time but I am not able to cook and clean due to fibro and I think that is not fair to a man. So single I stay. It's safer that way.

Honor Guard

I recently heard a sermon about God's Honor Guard. The minister explained his own thoughts that God needs people who go through very trying circumstances and still remain faithful to Him. So in the end it will be clear that no matter our trials, if we trust in Him, he will help us through. Well I believe I am part of the honor guard. I have had pain almost my whole life. When I was young it was lower back pain. Even as a child I would look for places to sit. As a teen and young adult it was painful menustration. It got so bad I was in bed 7 out of every 22 days. Next I had plantar fascitiis and it was difficult to stand at all. After that I had kidney stones. One kidney stone tried to pass during recovery from my  hysterectomy. I also had a hard time healing from my hysterectomy. I had pain by my bladder that ended up being a pocket of fluid. Once I did recover I was on cloud 9 till about a year later when the pain in my legs started that was eventually diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. I could feel sorry for myself but now I feel as if maybe I am a part of God's honor guard and I feel blessed.

No one knows

Most of what I do is to please other people. And the rest is to spend time with my kids. But what I really want to do is to never get out of bed. I'm too tired and in too much pain. Today I feel like I've been beaten with a hammer. My entire body feels battered and bruised. It's really not fair to my loved ones or friends. They didn't ask for an ill family member/friend. So I press on pleasing no one and wearing myself out. I'm trying so hard to hang on till the kids are able to support themselves. Just not sure I will make it.....then again I must.

Oh fibro

how I despise thee. My legs feel like wooden stumps. I can't feel my knees at all, they are numb. My hips aches and radiate to a burning sensation in my thighs. My back is radiating to my chest and making it difficult to breathe. I'm watching a video to try and distract from the pain but it's not easy to concentrate. The above was last evening Friday May 1st. This morning is not much better and zi even took the extra meds my doctor ordered. If I can get enough energy I will go try the hot tub.

Long time...

Wow I haven't been on here in a long long time. Its not that my pain is any better. I am still struggling with it. The last 6 months have been really bad, I am in so much pain that I feel like I can barely make it home after work. Then again I am working which is a blessing. This is what my pain has been like recently. It feels like someone took a sledge hammer to my back. The pain radiates into my chest and feels like a burning sensation. It feels like it is hard to take a deep breath. There is aching in my hips that goes down my legs. No position is comfortable, but changing positions keeps me from getting too stiff. There is also pain that moves around. It can be in my upper arms to where the light brush of a persons hand feels as if I am punched. Or it can be in my feet and feel like when I had plantar fasciitis. Sometimes my knees ache, other times it is my shoulders and neck. But basically it feels like I have been beaten every day. Vitamins, eating healthy, exercise (for the energy) and medications all help. Hot tub, pain relief creams and a tens unit are helpful too.

Exercise

All the reports say it helps to exercise. My doctor says the same. I have been slowly increasing my exercise over the last 4 months and it is not helping. I feel as if a knife has been shoved into the center of my back and it being twisted. Its hard to take a deep breath. My thighs and calfs feels as if they have charlie horses, and my hips feel like they ate being crushed by something very heavy, like an elephant. Better? I think not. I feel  this way every night after the couch to 5k program. But i will continue on. Maybe there is relief further on. 

Failure

Failure is not something I am used to. When I was in the 7th grade we were tested on various exercises one of which was the "Flex arm hang". From a bar on the playground. the object was to pull yourself up with your arms till you were doing a chin up and hold it. I set a record that day. I held on till my whole body was convulsing with the shakes. Later that week I set a record in the 600 yard walk/run when I hadn't had any running experience at all. I passed out at the end but I beat the record. Losing just doesn't come easy to me. My biggest goal in life was to be married and have children. I refused to entertain the thought that I would ever fall out of love. So I embarked upon marriage with a will to do well. I started reading marriage self help books from the beginning and I would put each one into practice. Not perfectly as no one can be perfect, but as best I could. I figure the effort had to pay off right? It did in the sense that my hubby and I were best friends. We did everything together for 28 years of marriage and before that 4 years of dating. For the last 9 years we worked together and spend almost every waking moment together. We never got tired of each other as we were besties. A few things challenged our love such as video games and flirty women, but for the most part I considered us happy. No one could make me laugh like he could and I thought he had the best singing voice I had ever heard. I leaned on him a lot at work because he has a photographic memory. Why memorize anything yourself when you have a bestie who can tell you everything you need to know? I wish I would have memorized more because he lost his job and now I have to remember everything. Long story short, due to circumstances beyond my control I was counseled to get the kids out of the house. We went to live in our Travel Trailer. I knew hubby and my love was strong and thought this will be the wake up call. I figured we would be home in a couple weeks. Instead things became worse. I ordered the Marriage Fitness Program guaranteed to save marriages. It was labor intensive but so good. However there are some choices in life that you cant talk, or wish a person out of. I waited 6 months then finally moved my stuff out and into a home for me and the kids. Its been almost a year now and Divorce papers have arrived. I have failed at the one thing that I tried so hard not to. It feels like when I finally couldn't hang on to that bar any longer. Only difference is I am not setting a record this time.